I have often pondered over something since the days I was single. Whenever a friend told me that her love interest or hubby was being posted in some other city or country, I always wondered whether distance will go in favour of their relationship or against it? Personally, I used to believe long-distance relationships are doomed. There's no way you can stay spiritually and mentally connected with the person you love if he or she is not physically present.
It actually depends on how long the period of separation is and also on what kind of a relationship you enjoy with your loved one. And when that loved one is your better half, then that bond is enough to keep you connected.
As Nabiha bade goodbye to her husband at the airport, a numb feeling clouded her heart. It would be a long time before she could see him again - the man who mattered most in her life. But her spouse had been transferred to California for three years and the decision to continue with the job was mutual as the promotion and the compensation package turned out to be pretty lucrative. “But what's going to make up for the physical space between us?” she wondered.
Blame it on career demands, parental health, children's education or other equally crucial factors, millions of married couples are now compelled to stay apart - an ordeal that is fast taking its toll. The geographic divide is a matter of concern but it is the emotional insecurity, the fear of facing the world alone and the daily grind that leaves deeper scars at times.
A young television actor confessed that there were times during outdoor shoots when he had yielded to temptation and betrayed his wife. “When you are young and shooting miles away from your partner, you can't help giving in to temptations. I know I am wrong to cheat on my wife... But it happened only because we were living away from each other for such lengthy periods,” he justified.
Do people tend to break trust just because they are living away from their partners? Does physical distance essentially lead to emotional distance and increased chances of infidelity?
Dr. Sahira Zain, a senior counsellor rubbishes such theories. “It's a sick excuse given by people who are no longer loyal to their partners. There are no separate set of rules for long-distance couples and the chances of betrayal remain the same in all relationships. We have numerous examples of partners cheating on each other even when they live together. So the whole thing depends on how committed and loyal you are to each other,” she asserts.
The Real Trouble
For Raheela, the staying away has been far from easy. After two wonderful years of marriage, Raheela and her husband had to remain an ocean apart as he got a job with the Navy while she was left behind and that was when things began to fall apart. “For days, we were not in touch and I felt totally miserable pining to hear from him. Soon frustration crept in and even before we could realise it, our marriage was on the rocks,” she recollects. Though frequent visits to a marriage counsellor helped them survive, the terrible ordeal still haunts her.
Zahid's story was no different; he admits to having been bitten by the age old relationship destroying bug - 'suspicion', about his wife cheating on him while he was busy earning in London.
“I felt anxious every time she didn't answer the phone or hung up hurriedly saying she was busy,” Zahid recalls with a feeling of guilt but then quickly adds, “Looking back, I do feel I was wrong but I don't really blame myself for distrusting her. Under those circumstances, I had no other choice.”
Says Hanif Zia, “Living apart does hamper the relationship if you have been married recently. Insecurity, misunderstanding and lack of trust are some common factors that find their way gradually in a long distance relationship. I and my wife are both professionals and after eighteen months of married life, we are now on the brink of a divorce. My advice to everyone is to preserve your relationship if you love your spouse and family. There are times when you have to let go of financial gains in favour of personal gains.”
Staying Away
Staying away from one's partner can be difficult as one literally struggles to settle in a new environment while the other begins to deal with daily chores almost single-handedly, to say nothing about the tough task of raising the kids. As a result, relations fail all too frequently and people often feel that a marriage cannot survive if the spouse stays away from home. But there are also those who believe in the three Cs - Commitment, Communication and Care. For media planner Kiran Tahir, the months apart from her husband were never a problem. Not once did she feel insecure during her hubby’s 10-month stay in China. “We made a conscious effort to keep in touch over the phone and exchanged e-mails. And instant messengers for chatting always came to our rescue. But above all, I know that my husband is a very transparent person and cannot lie at all!”
According to Rafique Ahmed, best efforts and mutual interests are required to make a relationship work even amid difficulties. “Both partners must recall why they took the decision in the first place and trust each other,” he advices. “It took me and my wife a great deal of effort and understanding to fit into our new frame of relationship,” he adds.
Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder? Does the absence of your partner make you realise how much you need him/her? Does the 'space' actually make you more affectionate, more loving and caring? “Yes, it does! If partners think like that and not just focus on the not-so-pleasant side of it, the separation will be far more tolerable,” explains Dr. Sahira. “Once parted, they will start appreciating each other and it is this realisation of worth that helps strengthen the nuptial bond even more.”
Shazia, a 29-year-old housewife, felt just that and gained strength to survive the ordeal. After her husband went abroad, she learnt all the basic skills like banking, plumbing and electrical work. She could even fix the car when it broke down! “The one thing we have both realised is that we never want to be apart like this again. But, in a sense, long distance has been the best of the worst thing for us,” she says.
It is true that distance makes the heart grow fonder but distance also brings its share of troubles and complexities, making it a fragile bond. For couples committed to a long-distance relationship, it is, therefore, imperative to try and strike the right balance to keep their relationship going strong.
Says Sasha, “My husband and I are both actors by profession, and our jobs mean that we have to stay apart from time to time. It gets tough when there are life changing events and you have to tackle it alone or when you are alone in a foreign country. But after a decade of happy marriage, I can say that our relationship survived and was strengthened due to complete trust in each other and constant communication. And lastly, you should have the will power to stay away from any temptation.”
