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About 20 years ago, Dads were generally missing from family therapy sessions. Any attempt to rope them in was usually met with, “I can’t be bothered with all this nonsense” to furtive glances at their watches. Cut to the present and you see a sea change in attitude. Dads are keenly involved, concerned and ready to pitch in. It could be a combination of greater awareness of the emotional needs of children, nuclear families with a dwindling support network, a growing involved parenting culture or just the emerging ‘New Age Man’.
From mastering breathing exercises at antenatal workshops, cutting the umbilical cord, changing nappies at night, to attending every parent teacher meeting, Dads are always there.
Absent Dads
There is a big chunk of men who are still noticeably absent. Many believe that they are too busy (“I just don’t get the time”), some are too traditional (“It is a mother’s job to bring up children”); some actually get pushed out to stick to the provider’s role by the society (“It is my responsibility to earn for their secure future”) and others just prefer to take the easy way out (“I need a break after a hard day’s work”). These dads prefer to stick to the stereotyped role and any attempt to bring about a change is met with a high level of denial (“You are making a fuss about nothing”), anger (“I am tired of this constant nagging”) or withdrawal (“Let me read the newspaper in peace”).
Fun Dads
Fun Dads are funny, exciting, and thrilling. They are ready to buy a child anything he demands, allow him to watch any amount of TV, miss school and eat burgers and pizzas for dinner. They are like kids themselves and it is very difficult to find fault in them as they are so guileless, easy-going and charming. In such families, exhausted Mummies can easily get labelled as a ‘nag’ as they desperately try to bring some order into the chaos.
Mummy Dads
The unique feature about these dads is that they are less like dads and more like mummies. This can be brilliant if the couples have evolved beyond the gender stereotyping and are more flexible with their roles. But a lot of times they are not able to do that and then we have a resentful Mummy who feels pushed out or a Dad who wants to be Mummy but is not comfortable if Mummy plays Daddy. Confused? Then imagine what the kid might go through in this tussle. As 9-year-old Saima shared, “Dad is always trying to prove that he is a better Mummy than Mummy. I am tired of this tug of war.”
Balanced Dads
Parents are like two lenses of a binocular. Each lens on its own cannot provide the child the richness and depth of the experience. When the child has an experience of a Dad who is involved without being polarised or completely overlapping with Mummy’s role, he/she grows up being more balanced.
Child psychiatrist, Sebastian Kraemer summarises impressive evidence in his book, Narratives of Fathers and Sons (Routledge 2005) showing that children whose fathers share more than 40% of their care, demonstrate more cognitive competence and self-control.
So cheers to all the Dads who are fighting every stereotype to enrich our lives!
