We all go through them, those traumatic teenage years, when everything looks bright and beautiful and when love seems to be in the air. But life is not just a bed of roses then. We also experience extreme mood swings, anger seems to rear its head at the drop of a hat; we fail to see eye to eye with our elders and the heart flutters to take wings. It is undoubtedly the most beautiful phase of our life and the most traumatic as well.
Standing on the threshold of adulthood I wanted to take charge of my life, but whenever I dared to take flight, my wings were clipped by my elders considering things that I wanted to try not good for me,” says Natasha Ameen, communications manager at a multi-national firm. “Even my career choice was not considered lucrative and respectable enough. I felt frustrated and angry. It was as if my parents don’t trust my judgment. I had become a stubborn child.”
Tips for Parents
Dr Saba Anjum has some advice for the parents on how to deal with their teenagers.
• Educate yourself. Read books about teenagers. Parents who know what's coming can cope with it better.
• Talk to your child. Answer the questions kids have about various issues. Keep the communication lines open.
• Put yourself in your child's place. Understand what he/she is trying to say or do and why.
• Pick your battles. Don’t object on every other thing that is timely and harmless.
• Maintain your expectations. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them.
• Know your child's friends. Know their friends' parents as well. Regular communication between parents can go a long way towards creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the kids feel that they're being watched.
• Respect your kids' privacy. You have to give them some space.
• Monitor what kids see and read. Kids have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. |
Many teenagers face problems such as this one that triggers emotional upheaval. With the surging hormones playing havoc, adolescence is seen as a very difficult age that needs the right guidance otherwise psychological problems surface. Saba Anjum, a clinical psychologist at a medical facility explains some of the common emotional and behavioural problems that teenagers face at this tender age. “Young people can have mental, emotional, and behavioral problems that are real, painful, and costly,” she says. “These are caused by biology, environment, or a combination of the two. Examples of biological factors are genetics and chemical imbalances in the body. Many environmental factors also affect the emotional balance, including exposure to violence, extreme stress, and the loss of an important person.”
Anger
“I don’t know what has happened to me. I was a pretty calm person but lately everything seems to make me angry. If anything happens against my will, I feel like creating a storm.” – Ayesha Haque, 16.
“Many teens have trouble managing their anger,” says Anjum. “There can be many reasons to feel extreme anger such as you might have witnessed violence at home, in your neighborhood or at school, which can make it even harder to know when your anger is out of control. Or most commonly you haven't yet learned ways to deal with the emotions you feel inside. If this problem goes out of hand then such a teenager has fewer friends, behaves in more negative ways, and receives lower grades in school. The best way to deal with the problem is to refrain from making quick judgments and work towards improving one’s problem-solving skills. Secondly, take responsibility for your actions. You can actually decide on how you will behave in certain situations ahead of time.
| Here’s Your Say |
| Tell us about the problems that you faced as an adolescent. |
A lot of restrictions were put on me that frustrated me. The parents’ level of expectations also grows. Parents should trust their children and should not rush into getting them married, especially girls.
Hina Ganatra.
I lacked confidence. When I was 18, I couldn’t tell anyone if I disagreed with her. I couldn’t initially adjust in a university and was not able to give presentations in class. I improved with time.
Hira Zai, Peshawar.
This is a very sensitive stage when emotions run high. When anybody scolded me in front of everyone, I considered it a big insult. Many also go on the path of love. This leads to many problems as well. I believe at this stage parents should be a child’s best friend.
Magic Girl, Karachi
As a teenager, I felt my biggest problem arose from the bullies in school. I felt scared and lacked the confidence to share my problem with anyone. I was shoved, threatened and made fun of and that shattered my confidence. I was not able to deal with my fear.
Aquib Khan, Peshawar.
Falling in love time and again was my biggest problem. I liked every pretty face I saw.
Sajid Sarwar
I was always at loggerheads with my parents, maybe because they posed a lot of restrictions on me. I wish they would have been more understanding.
Hania Saleem, Karachi.
My looks worried me a lot. I am not that pretty and my confidence runs very low. I was always worried whether I will ever find a life partner or not.
Shazia Mudabbir. |
Think about the consequence of your behavior. Realize that how you behave affects those you love and others around you. Pay attention to what upsets you. When you can figure out what triggers angry feelings, you can make decisions that will help you stay in better control. The best way to get rid of angry thoughts is to enroll in a physical activity and maintain a journal. Take out your anger on paper.”
Conflicting Ideals
“My parents and I don’t see eye to eye on many issues. They think I am too immature to handle things and take decisions myself. This makes me feel they do not trust me. There is a communication gap and it seems to be widening.” - Adil Aleem, 18.
“One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with the parents,” says Anjum. “The need for independence and the communication gap are interlinked. As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. Parents may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control. This problem is for the parents to solve and the best way to deal with it is to let go and make the teen realize the trust that exists between them. Let him take his decisions, counseling him, but in a mild manner. Don’t be over-assertive. Let him learn from his mistakes. Let him take charge of his life but do monitor. Lastly, don’t let the communication gap surface. Talk to your child. Discuss matters of mutual interest and try to see things from his point of view rather than yours.”
Love rules
“I have suddenly developed this habit of falling for every other cute guy I come across. Love seems to be my destiny and all the flicks that I have been watching are further playing havoc with my emotions. I fail to understand why do I fall in love that easily?” – Sadia Sharif, 17.
“Teenage years are akin to an emotional rollercoaster ride,” says Anjum. “You fall in love quickly and snap out of it as well. But this emotion leaves an everlasting imprint on mind. Remember the saying, first love is never forgotten. In adolescence, girls and boys start looking at each other in a different perspective. They begin to notice members of the opposite sex and become concerned about 
how they appear to the other. By this time, being attractive to the opposite sex becomes an important value. This is a normal change for the teenager. It is important for the parents to keep communication lines open with the teenager so that he/she does not take the wrong step or becomes overly emotional and depressive. Plus, it is important to focus on the goal and that is education and career. Helping the child being focused and talking to him all through will make him deal with the situation in a better way. Reassure your teenager that you understand his feelings and if he is heartbroken then make him realize that although these feelings of suffering are intense; they are a part of life and will not last forever.
