For relationship advice and more talk to your Super-smart Sis
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Q: My company has had to make cuts and several of my colleagues have been made redundant. I'm left feeling guilty about why I was considered worthier than them. I can't help imagining that they are talking about it as well, asking themselves, why I should have kept my position when they were more experienced, hard-working or productive. Should I let them know how I feel or keep my thoughts to myself? Sadiq Ali
A: Guilt during such unsettling times is normal. We call it survivor's guilt, and in the short term, it's a natural defence against the deeper fear that it could have been us who lost our jobs. It's also a way to defend ourselves against sadness at losing people who were part of our lives. But I also hear a conflict in what you say. You assume that because you kept your job you're more worthy than your colleagues, and yet you worry that they're talking behind your back about your unworthiness - this, I suspect, is closer to how you feel about yourself. Your self-esteem sounds fragile and your desire to tell others how you feel is a subconscious way to get reassurance. It's unlikely that your former colleagues will be that interested in how you feel - after all, they are the ones who have lost their jobs. Your focus now must be on nurturing your self-esteem so that you don't have to rely on outsiders. Assessing your work strengths is a good starting point for challenging your negative thoughts.
Q: My parents have always had a turbulent relationship and have split up more than once. The last time it happened, three years ago, they both swore that they wouldn't get back together and my dad moved out. Now they've mentioned to me and my sister that they'd like to give it another go. I really don't want to get involved in their relationship (I'm 30 and my sister's 28). I think they're making a mistake and resent them talking to me about it. Minal
A: I admire how clear-sighted you sound about not wanting to get sucked in to your parents' emotional dilemmas. Learning how to separate ourselves from our parents can be tricky for both sides at the best of times. And sometimes parents who, over the years, have got used to using their children as sounding boards, go-betweens and surrogate therapists are simply blind to how such childish behaviour is deeply unfair and inappropriate. I suspect there are two things you don't like: feeling caught up in other people's erratic relationships and the older, deeper issue of a family history that lacks consistency and boundaries. I suggest you show your parents how you'd prefer your relationship with them to be, by modelling for them the boundaries you wish they'd use with you. Calmly tell them that although you love them, you don't want to be involved in this matter. And make sure you stick to this declaration. When they next raise the subject, tell them firmly that you are not up for discussion and then change the subject. And keep it to yourself that you think they're making a mistake. They'll soon come to see that sorting out their lives is their responsibility, leaving you to be able to get on with living your own.
Q: My son reminds me so much of my ex, his father, that I feel resentment and anger towards him. He is a teenager, and has his father's speech habits. I think he is aware that he is like his dad, and seems to like winding me up. Our relationship is so difficult now; I don't know what to do. Asra
A: You sound stuck, and that's because the difficult emotions you feel about your son are tangled up with your old relationship with your ex. Since your emotions about your ex are still raw, you need to untangle them for the sake of your son. Regarding his dad, I'd like you to talk through with a professional about some aspects of this old relationship, such as how you felt when you were in it, how it ended, and how it exists today. Physical exercise, such as dance or jogging is a great way of safely channelling long-standing anger.
Your calculating view of your son's behaviour may be another legacy of how you felt about his dad. Children like to know they've got attention, even if it's negative. So if your son noticed that his behaviour didn't wind you up, he'd soon drop it. And ask yourself why it winds you up. Is it because your son is starting to forge his own identity? Or is it anger at yourself for things you wish you'd done differently? You can't alter the fact that the two men are related or that your son is growing up. But you can start by controlling your feelings.
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