There are 8 emotional styles that we all can identify. Your emotional style is your instinctive emotional reaction to situations. It’s important to identify your emotional style because it could be hurting your relationships, and ultimately keeping you from living your best life.
What’s Your Emotional Style?
Most people can identify with at least one of these emotional styles.
Read each of the following groups of questions, and then begin to discover your own emotional style:
Did you have a loss early in life that makes you fear losing people?
Do you cling to people or push them away because you’re afraid of losing them?
In relationships, are you so obsessed with the fear you’ll be left, that you push people away?
Your Emotional Style Could Be Abandonment
The ongoing fear that people will leave is at the root of this emotional style. These people may fear that if they rock the boat in the smallest way, the ones they love will leave. Or, they may adapt by running away from a relationship before they can be hurt.
If this emotional style applies to you, it’s important to learn that you won’t fall apart if someone leaves you. Be aware of the fear that any kind of abandonment stirs up – hypersensitivity to separation, dread of being isolated. Mindfulness can help track this emotional style and prevent it from ruling your life.
Do you find yourself irritated when someone keeps you from doing what you want?
Do you feel that you are somehow special and the rules don’t apply to you?
Your Emotional Style Could Be Entitlement
People with this emotional style feel that rules don’t apply to them. They may have been spoiled as a child, or the love they received was based on a certain quality – looks, academics, athletic skills. These people often exaggerate their prowess, usually to hide a feeling of inadequacy, or feel they are entitled to more than their fair share of compensation. They also display a lack of self-discipline, and the inability to delay gratification.
If your emotional style is entitlement, try to be aware of the negative impact your actions have on the people around you. Mindfulness can help you learn to catch yourself before you overstep appropriate limits, and connect with your deeper feelings so you can deal with them directly.
When you were young, were you made to feel that you didn’t belong in some way?
Do you tend to feel like an outsider in a group?
Are you shy and self-conscious in social situations?
Your Emotional Style Could Be Exclusion
Finding yourself on the outside of things often leads to this emotional style. The perceived message is, “You’re not like us.” This feeling typically causes a person to stay on the edge of the action reinforcing the feeling of exclusion. This may lead to avoidance of groups in adulthood, or conversely, cause someone to revel in their outcast role.
If you feel excluded, lean to feel and challenge your fears by making efforts to initiate conversations, and learning to master your anxiety. Mindfulness will help you step back from thoughts that make you uncomfortable.
Do you feel people can’t be trusted?
As a child, were you treated unfairly or abused?
Do you feel that people you are close to will betray your trust?
Your Emotional Style Could Be Mistrust
Suspiciousness and quick temper are typical of this emotional style. Often the mistrust stems from having been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused. People of this style tend to gravitate to relationships in which their worst fears are confirmed, getting involved with people who treat them badly.
If this describes you, you may want to work with a therapist specialising in clients who have been abused. Treatment may involve revisiting your memories and expressing your anger, which is an essential emotional step. Mindfulness can help you become aware of your tendency to assume betrayal, and help you challenge those thoughts.
As a child, were you put down or made to feel inept?
Do you fear you won’t succeed at anything, no matter how hard you try?
Do you feel that you don’t deserve the success you’ve had?
Your Emotional Style Could Be Failure
A typical feeling in this emotional style is being deficient despite one’s accomplishments. This can lead people to push themselves extremely hard, despite the constant fear of failure. Some fall prey to the imposter phenomenon – you succeed, but secretly feel you’re a fraud and will be found out.
If you see yourself in this emotional style, learn to more accurately assess your talents and abilities, as well as accept that your accomplishments are truly deserved. Being mindful will help you identify and challenge your internal negative thoughts.
Your Emotional Style Could Be Perfectionism
People with this emotional style unrelentingly hold themselves to the highest standards. No matter how well they do, it’s never good enough, so they drive themselves until the rest of their life suffers. This emotional style drives people to push themselves in sports, at school, in physical appearance, or for social status.
If this emotional style applies to you, realise that lowering your standards will be a relief. You will have time and energy to have your other needs met, including the need for downtime.
Being mindful will help you examine and challenge the self-criticism.
Do you often feel that people don’t really care about your needs or tune into your feelings?
Do you often find yourself in a caretaker role with others?
Are you drawn to relationships with people who are cold, or self-absorbed?
Your Emotional Style Could Be Deprivation
At the heart of this emotional style is the belief, “My needs won’t be met.” No matter how much is given to people of this style, it never feels like enough. Some people overindulge in an attempt to nurture themselves, while others become the caretaker they never had, and may gravitate to careers in which they help others, like social work or nursing.
If your emotional style is deprivation, examine how your need to be nurtured affects your relationships. You should become aware of a tendency to distort your interpretation of the actions of others. People might enjoy your company without wanting anything more. Mindfulness will help you begin to communicate your needs more clearly, and to seek more emotionally available partners.
Do you often have the fear that something will happen to you or a loved one?
Does your fear keep you from doing things that you would like?
Are you overly preoccupied with worries about health or finances?
Your Emotional Style Could Be Vulnerability
The key element of this emotional style is an exaggerated fear that something terrible is about to happen. This can lead to thriftiness to the point of denying yourself pleasure, or embracing some health fad to ward of disease. At its extreme, it takes the form of a phobia, like fear of flying. Some people react by constantly seeking reassurance, while others overcompensate by taking risks. People with this emotional style can win emotional freedom by mindfully monitoring their thoughts, rather than letting them dictate their behaviour. Meditation can also help.
