In Search of Identity

  • 25 Sep - 01 Oct, 2021
  • Mag The Weekly
  • Fiction

As Luke walked away,

I looked at the door of my house. And said in my heart,

I’m finally about to discover who I actually am.

After inserting the key, I unlocked the door.

I entered inside, and without even taking a glance at the room, I locked the door. I was not terrified, but I was preferring privacy over everything for the moment.

Now, I turned and finally took a glimpse at my house. Nothing was ringing a bell. It seemed as if I was seeing this place for the very first time. I walked further inside, noting the fact that it was not quite a large apartment.

The kitchen went by my side as I was walking straight. I was headed towards the bedroom, which I was expecting was mine. It was an average sized room. It had one bed, one computer table, a short book rack and two sofas.

Uhhhhh….. No bell is ringing. I uttered.

I walked towards my bed and then sat on it. After a while, I lay completely on it looking up at the energy saver bulbs.

Who am I? I asked myself while keeping my hands on my chest. Where did I come from? Where am I headed to for the future? How did I get stuck in all of this? Who can answer all these questions for me?

I was very much depressed. This anxiety had overcome my mind and I was getting really terrified every next second. Scary thoughts were attacking my mind and were not letting me focus on getting answers to my questions.

I sat up immediately so that I could change the mode of my thoughts.

I saw the drawers of the computer table as I stood up. My mind was successful in distracting the thoughts based on suspicion, but it gave birth to another thought that was eventually meant to tease me.

I stood up and walked towards the computer table. Within next two minutes, I opened all the drawers one after another. I was looking for something that would prove to me that I was Henry Eckhart. I was looking for an identity card or something. But I found nothing.

Nothing at all.

As I stood straight and moved away from the computer table, I commented,

Something does not seem right. Where is my identity card? It should be here, in my house. Where else would it be?

I then sat on a sofa nearby and wondered,

Are these people trustworthy at all? Should I rely on them in knowing what my reality is?

I was getting these thoughts, that I should not quite easily trust these people. They might be lying to me all along.

I stood up and immediately left the room.

Next minute, I was standing inside the kitchen. I opened the fridge to have some water. I was thirsty since the last three hours I guess but all this anxiety and stress made me forget it to even drink water.

While I was drinking water, I wondered in my thoughts,

Who are these three people? I have no idea of course. They might be good people, simply trying to do something nice for me. They might be bad people, using me and taking wrong advantage of my psychological disease.

It is not easy to find a way out.

As my agitation rose, I left the kitchen and went to find my identity card again. Anything could be enough for me, even a university’s card. But this mystery could not be solved alone.

As I got exhausted and stopped searching, I felt quite a lot of sweat on my forehead. There was also a minor headache over me.

I think you should rest. I convinced myself. Or else matters might get worse.

I slowly walked towards my bed and while I was walking, I instructed myself,

As you meet Luke and the girls sometime soon, you have to ask them about your identity card. And ask them to prove your identity.


Next evening, I was seated with these three members at some cafe. This café was somewhere near my house’ building. The girls were having some ice cream shake. Luke was having a cappuccino. He asked me,

“Why aren’t you having something? We all are enjoying here.”

“No, he can’t,” Ellison said, “The doctors said that he is not allowed to have this stuff.”

“Oh, come on, he can at least have something, can’t he?”

“Let’s just follow the instructions of the doctors,” Linda added.

“Okay,” he answered and then turned towards me. “So Henry, how have you been doing?”

“I am fine. But I have some questions. In fact, many questions…”

“Look…Everything will be answered. Everything will be cleared with the passage of time. Just be patient.”

“Let him speak,” Ellison said.

“I’m just saying” Luke said, “Let’s just enjoy right now. Let’s make him comfortable for the moment. These issues, all these conflicts that are occurring in his mind, require some quality time for him.”

“Luke stop please, let him talk…”

The three of them looked at me. Although, I was getting embarrassed but I said…

“I was inside my house. I spent an entire day there. I couldn’t recall anything.”

“Okay,” Ellison said trying to appear cooperative.

“I am just wondering why isn’t anything ringing a bell. I mean shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t I recall past and events of my life, one after another?”

“Look, we can help you,” Linda spoke. “We will help you with everything. If we ask you to stay calm and patient, would that be difficult for you?”


“Okay,” she nodded as if she understood emphatically.

“Henry,” Luke said, “All that we’re trying to do is help you. I’m sure you understand that. We just want you to stay away from distress and trouble.”

“My mind is already troubled. You can’t make it worse,” I chuckled.

“Okay, just for the start” Linda said, “what is really bothering you? What is that one question which you really want to be answered?”

The three of them were looking at me as if they were keen to know what I was about to ask. I said clearly,

“I cannot find my identity card. I want to see my identity in a written form.”

Ellison seemed kind of stunned. I looked at her and asked with a smile,

“What is it?”

“I’m just surprised as to how do you know about the concept of having an identity card…”

I laughed a bit courteously.

“Can you read?” Luke asked trying not to appear disrespectful.

“Yes, I can…”

“Wow, I’m impressed…”

The three of them were now talking to each other as if they were fascinated.

Are they trying to escape my demand? I wondered.

“So, where is my identity card?” I raised my voice bringing them back to the topic.

The three of them looked at me again. Luke replied,

“Well, we all are glad that you can read.”

“Thank you,” I sensed that they were deliberately diverting away from the topic.

“It means you will recover soon,” Linda added.

“Okay,” I firmly said now, “Can we talk about my identity card now?”

Luke then said instantly in one flow,

“We don’t know about your identity card. It must be at your house.”

His body language proved that he was confused. I looked at the girls, they were quite the same. They were avoiding eye contact.

“Well, I’m sure it is not there,” I exclaimed regarding my identity card.

Now, while I was waiting for them to respond, I felt that the three of them were silent and were not even talking.

“Why does it seem that you all are…?”

“…It’s not at your home?” Luke asked interrupting me as if trying to minimise the awkwardness. “See, it should be there.”

“Well, I have checked it everywhere. I couldn’t find it.”

“Do you know what colour it is?” Ellison asked testing my memory.

I got to tell you. I was confused there. I had no answer for that. I gave myself a time to think and then vaguely said,

“I think somewhat white and golden. I’m not…”

“Look Henry,” Luke spoke,

“you don’t have to worry about it. It is not quite necessary to own it.”

That moment, I said to myself,

They all are making stupid excuses. No one even suggested that it might have been lost in the hospital; or in the accident. They are obviously lying.

“Henry,” Linda said, “Luke is right. It is not quite necessary to own an identity card. You are not breaking the law or anything. I mean the cops won’t get you in any trouble. That’s for sure!”

Ellison nodded after her.

“Okay…” I spoke getting an idea, “so, can you guys tell me where it might be, where I can find it. I mean, apart from my apartment.”

“Ask the guy who is downstairs,” Luke answered. “The one who has knowledge about the lost and found stuff.”

“Okay, I’ll try…”

We had a little more puzzling conversation and then they dropped me home.


Somewhere around midnight, I woke up from my sleep. The first thought that landed on my mind was my recent conversation with these three friends.

I am more than damn sure.

I am one hundred percent confident that something is not right. It appears suspicious but in reality it can be a lot more complicated.

Why they are doing this to me? I don’t know for sure. But yes, they are lying and if I waste my time thinking what they are up to, then I might lose whatever I already have.

I stood up and left for the kitchen. I wanted to make some tea but I didn’t know if I could or could not. The only way to test this was to try it. This could be fun.

All the while when I was making tea, I was having a conversation in my mind,

These three youngsters, they appear very sweet and innocent. But something seems fishy as well. Why would they behave so confused and uncomfortable when I asked about my identity card? They had plenty of reasonable excuses but they couldn’t mention any.

I finally made myself some tea with the help of tea bags. To my surprise, it turned out to be very easy and simple. Thank God, this skill was not uninstalled from my mind.

I don’t know if everything that I am being told is true or not. The accident, the memory loss; I don’t know how much their words are trust worthy. Whatever that I am seeing with my own eyes might be true. But wherever there is suspicion, I have to stay alert and keep my eyes vigilante.


Few Days Later

My three friends and I were headed towards our university’s campus. This time, I wasn’t expecting the recovery of my lost memory but I was hoping to find my identity in a written form.

What happened inside the campus was somewhat expected from these people and yet surprising.

I asked Linda and Ellison.

“Can you two please tell me where I can confirm my identity here?” Linda was quite shocked and confused. Ellison however, cleverly said,

“Actually, we are getting late for our class right now. We’ll meet after three hours. Okay?”

The two of them left as if escaped away from me.

Luke immediately held me from my shoulder and pulled me towards another direction.

“Listen to me Henry,” he said to me, “You and I are headed towards another class. Actually you are not a part of that session, but I am and therefore, you can just sit by.”

That moment, someone came and greeted Luke. Luke shook hands with him and said,

“So, what’s up?”

That moment, I got an idea of confirming my identity from this guy. As I thought of and actually considered doing it, this other fellow shook hands with me.

“Do you know who I am? Can you please mention my name?” I asked him.

Luke pushed me instantly and spoke in my ear,

“Come on, don’t do this now. Let’s go and attend our session.”

I was quite shaken on his behaviour which was why I moved away from him and said,

“Okay please, I think that I should leave.”

I turned and walked towards the exit. He asked me while I was walking away,

“Where are you going?”

I stopped and said to him,

“I’m sorry Luke, but I don’t really trust you people.”

to be continued...