In Search of Identity

  • 16 Oct - 22 Oct, 2021
  • Mag The Weekly
  • Fiction

Ignored the police officer and continued walking towards the house.

“Hey, stop!” the cop exclaimed. “What’s in the bag?”

I increased my speed and told myself,

Just get this job done before this interferer makes a mess out of everything.

As I reached outside the house, I simply threw the heavy bag inside and luckily, it landed where it was meant to. I was in luck but regarding to something really dreadful.

Now, I had to escape. The cop had already seen my face and I had to flee before he could stop me. As I turned and ran ahead I saw that he was aiming his hand gun straight towards me through his both hands.

That moment, I did what Mr Kingston told me. I simply lied on the ground with my backside up. The police officer approached me and then it happened.

The bomb exploded with huge flames and fire that looked like a large cloud. The noise was loud as if plenty of shot guns had been fired altogether. The noise of the blast lasted three to four seconds, or maybe I just felt like this.

The police officer who was approaching me flew backwards and fell at least one mile away from where he was standing.

I looked up after several seconds to make sure there was a possibility for me to find and escape out. There was black smoke all around that was getting darker and was making it less visible.

I stood up and without cleaning my clothes or anything, I simply made my way out by running in slow speed. I looked at the cop who was lying backwards; thank God he wasn’t that injured. He opened his eyes and tried to say something but I couldn’t comprehend as there was already too much rush.

The next thing I did was that I ran as fast as I could, making sure no one was watching me. The stupidity on my part was that I did not wear any mask even though it was available there. I just wanted to keep my face kind of comfortable as the mask was very irritating to wear.


I am in the middle of nowhere now. I don’t know at what part of the city I actually am in. I’m far away from where I committed the crime but I have no idea about where my house is.

Feeling guilty and having quite a heavy burden on your conscience is the worst feeling ever. I am experiencing that right now. Seeing one police officer lying almost injured broke my heart, so how much I feel depressed and remorseful on destroying three human lives, only I know. I wish no one would ever feel this way.

On the other hand, I have lost hope regarding my identity. I feel as if it doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s a temporary feeling, but right now what I am feeling is something very troublesome.

I want to escape my feelings. I just want to undo this incident with a click of a button.

I look at myself in the mirror and I realise that I am a criminal of the state. If I get arrested right now for what I have done, it wouldn’t really bother me, or would it?

Should I simply go and get myself arrested? Doing that would be the right thing actually.

No don’t be stupid. A voice came from inside me.

An hour later, I was walking on the streets when I suddenly heard the sound of some news channel from some shop,

“A terrorist activity has been discovered…”

As the news gained my attention, I turned my head to see the news. On the news channel, I saw the footage of bomb explosion,

Oh, God! I got upset and I heard my conscience scolding me. What have you done? Do you hold yourself responsible for their death?

Of course, who else is responsible besides me?

I then moved away from the shop as I did not have enough courage to listen to this stuff further.

Some old woman bumped me while I moved away. Maybe it was me; she was just listening to the news as I was.

“How terrible are these terrorists?” she commented as if talking to me.

“I agree,” I said and tried to escape.

But this talkative old woman held my arm and continued speaking,

“Tell me about it. How can someone be so cruel? Based on the news, there were three humans who lived there.”

I held her hand and let go of mine as it was getting really uncomfortable for me to listen to this.

Who the hell is she? I screamed angrily inside my heart.

I walked away immediately as I did not have the guts to listen to this. But I did know that she was right and whatever she was saying was absolutely true.

Suddenly, my identity doesn’t really matter to me; because even if I had any, I have probably lost it now. From a human, I have become an animal.


Next morning, I woke up and found myself sleeping on the footpath, like a beggar. I was stunned and scared at the same as I couldn’t remember how I ended up like this. I was considering the possibility that I might have been drugged or something.

I slowly recalled after standing up that I was feeling quite drowsy last night after having some ice cream shake. Now, why was I eating that ice cream shake? It needs to be answered.

Coincidentally, I put my hands inside my pockets and to my surprise I found plenty of cash inside my left side pocket.

What the hell is this? I asked taking them out.

It was a huge amount of money. But who put it there. It couldn’t be someone I know.

I am right handed. I tried to solve the situation. If I would have inserted it myself, it would have been in the right one.

Something has happened last night. I am more than sure that something suspicious has happened.

I spontaneously recalled that ice cream shake was lent by someone who felt that I was a poor homeless kid. Alright, now this is resolved but the money, I have absolutely no idea. This amnesia is really a strange one.

Keeping all the mysteries aside, I must run back to my apartment. Unfortunately for me, I don’t know the name of my residential location.

Anyway, I had enough money now which I don’t know whether it was a trap or something else, but I had to utilise it opportunistically.

Several minutes later, I was inside the taxi and it took me quite a while to explain my destination to the driver.

“I just have to make sure that I am not getting misused,”

I talked to myself.

As I finally reached the destined location, I felt way much relieved and secure. I gave the driver his due and then walked towards my building. Instead of walking straight inside, I sat outside on the café where I sat with Linda, Ellison and Luke for the first time.

I wanted to have some breakfast. I ordered some and while I was waiting, I listened to the couple talking with each other,

“Yesterday’s bomb blast was quite upsetting,” the girl said.

“I know, and I agree. I don’t know what kind of terrorists are here. What do they really want?”

“Perhaps, it wasn’t done by the terrorists. It might have been a gang war among some ordinary and local criminals.”

“Oh, come on! Ordinary criminals don’t have bombs or grenades.”

“Alright fine, not local criminals but they could have been some underworld gangsters.”

“Maybe you haven’t seen the news, the police officer nearby reported that it was a young guy who threw the bomb inside.”



“Well, I haven’t seen that anywhere in the news.”

Oh, dear God! I whispered to myself. I can easily get caught if the cop remembers my face.

“The criminals of our state are not that stupid,” the boy continued, “they must have sent someone like him deliberately to mislead the police.”

“Someone like him? You mean a young kid.”

“Yes, in reality that kid must be quite old and must be wearing a make up to look that young.”

I chuckled secretly.

The girl however, responded,

“Well, our state’s police is also not quite stupid. They know such tricks and they cannot be fooled because of these things.”

“Well, yeah that’s also true.”

Now that I was quite stressed and terrified for a single moment, but then I also agreed with the statement.

After a while, the waiter brought my breakfast. He left after keeping it on my table.

If my memories return, I would simply leave this city forever. I told myself. This is the only way to escape what you are going through right now.

The couple stood up and they vacated the table. I looked at them go and wondered,

I envy these two. Not because they have some companionship, but because they own their identities. And they are not doing harmful things to earn them.


Later, during the afternoon, I came outside my apartment and tried to open it knowing that I wouldn’t be able to because the last time that I remember, I had locked it before leaving, and unfortunately I cannot find my house keys’ since I escaped the bomb explosion.

However, to my surprise the door opened. I was thinking for a moment that what if I hadn’t locked but I could strongly remember that I had and I wasn’t missing any minute details there.

How did the door get unlocked? This has only one explanation. Mr Kingston might have come here after he dropped me.

I really don’t care. I just have to be by myself right now.

I turned on the lights and walked inside. I was hoping that Mr Kingston would be seated inside, and so I called out,

“Hello! Is anybody here?”

I checked all the rooms briefly and found no one, and so I came to this conclusion that no one was here.

I went to lie on my bed and as I did, I felt really comfortable. I felt that the cops would never catch me here.

Surprisingly, my guilt had decreased and my craving to discover my identity had woken up again. Maybe because of passage of time, the wound had healed.

I woke up from my sleep after

three hours. Everything that was going on in my life was coming up one after another in my mind.

One thing that I wanted

to get rid of was not sparing me; and that was my desperation to discover my true identity.

I just couldn’t give up desiring it. This curiosity was my destruction signal.

I left my bedroom after a while and switched on the television to see what was going on in the news channels.

I surfed different news channels but only one was talking on the affair I was interested in. This was not usual; this was a news that snatched the ground away from me. The news reporter claimed,

“The investigating officers have stated that they have found the CCTV footage of the criminal who planted the bomb. The video is not clear at the moment but it will be clear quite soon and the criminal’s face shall be revealed soon.”

Oh, my God! I exclaimed quite soundly. I am so dead. What am I going to do?

I switched off the television and flee away from the lounge really fast heading towards the exit. I don’t know why I was leaving my house as it made absolutely no sense to me, but I climbed up the stairs until I reached an open terrace.

I stood there alone and felt a bit too cold.

It was seasonal shiver or frightening shiver, I don’t know. But it sure felt hard on my bones. That moment, I heard someone making his way upwards. I don’t know who it was but I seriously didn’t want anybody who knew me to be by my side at that moment.

Anyways, he came up and revealed himself.

“Oh, my God! It’s you,”

I said to the person as soon as I recognised the person.

to be continued...