ASK A THERAPIST

I worry that my anxiety is sabotaging my relationship. What can I do in the moment to give my partner credit and show love when I feel myself spinning from something small they did or said?

There are a number of ways to help in this situation. One is to say “You're feeling…”. This is a way of putting some distance between you and your feelings of anxiety. Another strategy is to give the feeling a name. For example, when you feel you are spinning because of something your partner said think about who that voice belongs to and give it a name. It can pop up in certain situations and say some hurtful things. By giving her a name she has less power over how you feel. Another strategy is to see the anxiety as a shape. Is it small, or jagged? Does it move? A further thing you can do when you start to feel anxious is to visualise a huge red sign with LOVE on it. When you see it take a deep breath and think about how you feel about your partner. One final thing you can do is practice self-compassion. Having compassion for yourself is an antidote to feeling anxious.

How do you manage anxiety when you live with other people who also get anxious?

Emotions are like a virus. We can catch the feelings of others. Psychologists call this "emotional contagion." There are a few ways to protect yourself from the anxiety of others:

1. See their anxiety as a form of communication:

If you ask yourself, “what are they trying to tell me," you put some distance between their feelings and you.

2. Acknowledge ownership:

There will be occasions after spending time with people who are anxious or on edge where you notice you're feeling anxious. One important question to ask is, “Who does this feeling belong to?” Asking this question will enable you to "give back the feeling to the person or people it belongs to."

3. After spending time around people who are anxious have a "happy place" you can go to that boosts your mood:

This might be a bedroom or some other part of your apartment or house where you feel grounded. Play music or engage in an activity that helps you regain your composure.

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