The road to recovery wasn’t such an easy one as I had thought it would be. Even though I quickly began to regain energy and vitality, there would be some major bumps to tackle as we went along. Fawad and Ibrahim had a lot to do with keeping me grounded. They kept me in high spirits and they kept me so happy. Every day was a new beginning. God had given me a new lease on life and there was no way that I would ignore His blessings or take them for granted, ever. Even when the days were hard I would be grateful because He had brought me back literally from the dead into the living.

The mornings started early thanks to Ibrahim. He made sure to get us up and going at the crack of dawn. The rest of the day was spent on the usual happenings. Every day was better than the one before and every day was a milestone for me.

Pretty soon I felt like my normal self and insisted that Fawad should go back to work.

“I was thinking of the same thing. I emailed HR today. Let’s see when they want me to resume my duties.”

“Your boss is a God sent. How did she manage without you? I’m surprised she didn’t fire you with all these unscheduled breaks that you took for me.”

“I took the holidays for us. You would’ve done the same. And she isn’t doing anyone a favour. I was working from home the whole time; no one is doing anything extra here. Don’t worry.”

He sounded a little too reassuring but I let it pass.

All my senses were super alert. The coma was the equivalent of turning a machine off and on again. But as much as I could sense that something was off I tried to ignore it. Fawad did not deserve the third degree after all that he had done for me.

So, I absorbed myself in loving my home and enjoying my family. And even if there was a constant nagging at the back of my mind I blamed it on an overly active “women’s intuition.”

The gut is always right Saima, my old arch enemy Satan kept on reminding me and yet I kept on ignoring him. Not because I was a bad wife, or an ignorant one but because I had too much on my plate. I had to get better, I had to be a good mom to my baby and I had to cover on lost ground with my husband, the man who stood by me through all of life’s challenges. I wasn’t looking the other way. I was looking ahead at the bigger picture.

I didn’t think that fate would send a challenge to me so soon but then again I didn’t think I would be comatose for so long either, or childless for the better part of my marriage, or lose my Noor; my first child, so why was I surprised by this turn in the road?

It all started innocently enough. Fawad told me that HR had gotten back to him and he would go back to work from Monday.

“Your full time maid is coming right? You’re set to go right Saima?” Fawad was getting on my nerves. But I kept it cool and calm; and reassured him for the 100th time that I would be okay. My doctor had given me an all clear signal. Things could be the way they were. Things would be back to normal soon. But the sooner I thought it the nuke hit us. It hit us hard.

I usually fall asleep with Ibrahim and that too pretty much deeply. I don’t know what really woke me up. Maybe my guardian angel or my instinct.

Baby was fast asleep next to me, pillows on both sides keeping him safe. But Fawad was not in bed. I slid quietly out of bed and crept out of the room. I expected to find him in the kitchen having a late night snack, or sprawled over his work at the computer but he was sitting comfortably on the couch in the lounge talking on the phone. He was speaking in a low voice but given my sharpened senses I could hear him distinctly.

“Yes, I’m coming on Monday. I’ve already told her. You don’t need to worry anymore. We’ll get a chance to talk and spend time together. I know it’s been tough for you too. But at home I have to be careful with everyone around. Plus, I have been busy. You don’t need to worry anymore.” I could hear his smile and the care in his voice because I was the one person; or so I thought he spoke to in that manner.

My world crashed around my feet. I paused mid-way in my tracks. He didn’t see me and I fought every inch in my being to keep me from walking in and confronting him. It could be a work thing. It didn’t have to be what it looked like. And I had read enough articles in Vogue and other magazines that all said that confrontation in such situations was not always called for, in fact it worsened the situation.

I wanted to turn around and run but I was glued to my spot. My legs felt like lead. I could hear him finishing his call and it took every ounce of energy to drag me back into bed. I turned on my side and closed my eyes pretending to sleep. Ten minutes later Fawad came in and lied down quietly. He took care not to make a sound so as not to disturb us. Previously, I would have taken that as an act of love but now it felt like this furtiveness was because of his guilt.

Oh how our worlds are turned around; upside down in a matter of milliseconds. I wanted to cry and release all my emotions but to be honest it hadn’t quite sunk in and I was in a state of shock. How could he do this to me, to us? After all that we had been through.

My altered ego was quick to remind me that it was me who was in a coma for almost six months, and it was Fawad that was steering our ship through troubled waters alone. Was he lonely and needed a friend? Is this why he turned to another person; another woman?

For the first time in my life I regretted living in a separate city so far away from my in-laws but that was his decision not mine. Yet if he had his family with him maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

As I was about to fall asleep; hours later, hope restored some of my lost faith. Maybe it wasn’t an affair at all, just a friend reaching out to another one. However, one thing was sure life wanted to teach me another lesson for which I wasn’t at all prepared to learn.

The next morning was not any better than the night before. I couldn’t even look at Fawad’s face. I kept avoiding him. Taking a little bit longer in the shower or lying in bed with an excuse of a headache. It was hard for me to look after Ibrahim too. I just didn’t have the energy.

The ground had been pulled out from under my feet. I wanted to die. I wanted to go back to sleep forever. How could he do this to me after all that we had been through? I wanted to yell and scream at him.

But I couldn’t. I was walking on thin ice. I had to bear with it all. Was I one of those women who had to look the other way, pretend as if their marriage was perfect when it really wasn’t? Did I have to paste a happy face in front of relatives? When I used to boast of Fawad’s love for me to my family and friends it rang true. Would I now have to lie about it all?

What should I do?

I was on an emotional roller coaster.

When morning turned into afternoon and then evening I began to feel guilty for making Fawad do everything by himself. Several times during the day I could hear him on the verge of losing it with the baby crying and all the other things to be done but he didn’t disturb me as I was drifting in and out of sleep. I felt him look in on me once or twice; also bringing me food and water throughout the day in my waking moments. But he didn’t ask why I wasn’t getting up. He just let me rest. He had it covered. Yes you have it covered don’t you my dear. You have it all covered really well. Oh I hated myself for thinking like this.

This was the man I loved and the man who stood by me through thick and thin; until now.

Then came the process of rationalization. The brain’s ability to justify everything. My mind began making excuses for him. I knew this would happen sooner or later.

“He was alone and worried and lost without, he turned to a friend.”

“He always loved you but you were almost dead, he just wanted some comfort.”

“He’s human too you know and he has feelings too.”

“He didn’t do it to cheat on you. He needed someone to talk to and that’s all. He will end it soon enough. He doesn’t love her. He loves you.”

“No man would stand by your side unless he loves you.”

“He loves you.”

My mind would end up on this conclusion each and every time. And my mind also reminded me that given the situation that I had been in and now that I wasn’t fully alright the fact that he was still around was the least of what I deserved. Yes I had brought myself down to feeling sorry for myself and I wasn’t going to get more than this anyways and I should keep my mouth shut and keep loving him as if nothing happened.

I cried into the bed covers and that’s when Fawad walked in and sat at the bed end touching my feet.

“What’s wrong Saima? Are you worried you won’t be able to manage without me? Or is something else bothering you?”

This was it. The do or die decision. Should I open up and ask him? Maybe it will bring peace to us all. But what if he won’t accept it and he’ll deny it and keep on lying to me and that will make it worse. I’ll feel even worse.

“Saima what’s wrong?” He would not let this go. Always the man, the fixer, the logical one.

“He will continue asking me till I give him the truth.” I thought to myself.

Ibrahim woke up just then and Fawad had to go check him.

I just sat there with my swollen eyes and runny nose unable to do anything.

That’s when it happened, his cell beeped. It was a text. I knew he would not be back soon. I had my chance now. I could check his cell.

My guardian angels were in full debate.

“Don’t do it Saima. Don’t become that woman. Don’t check his phone.”

“Do it. You’ll know once and for all. You’ll decide whether you should stay or leave. You’ll know if you should confront him or not.”

Hang on a moment; leave him?

I never thought I would leave him. And why would I? I loved him. He was my life. Why would I leave him? Women have stuck by their men for far less and why would I take this step now, when I had everything? Fawad is mine and has always been mine. He never strayed and now when we needed each other the most why would we desert each other? He will not desert me I was sure of that.

His phone was beeping for the second time and I threw it down as if it was a burning piece of coal. I didn’t check it. I wouldn’t stoop to that level. I didn’t want to be that woman looking over her shoulder all the time. I couldn’t live with myself; doubting and questioning everything my husband said or did. This wasn’t the life I wanted. And had he really slipped? Was he really having an affair? I didn’t know anything and I was making myself miserable for nothing.

That’s when I picked myself up from bed once and for all. I will never go back to that place again, ever.

I knew if I told my mom or Saman or anyone else, they would blow it out of proportion. They would ask me to confront Fawad and ruin the one good thing I had in my life. We walk in our own shoes, no one knows our struggle. My favourite Atticus quote came to mind.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

I knew my own struggle and my challenges and I knew what I wanted.

I got up and freshened up.

If Fawad was running away from our marriage he was running away because of me. Who would want to love this basket case that I had become?

So, I made myself pretty before I joined my husband and my child in the next room.

“Oh look Ibrahim! Mommy’s up and mommy looks so pretty!” Fawad cooed to our baby.

“Yes I’m here to stay Fawad!” I replied with conviction and with love. Fawad had a questioning look on his face but then shrugged it off and just smiled back at me.