My struggle is real. Don’t undermine it by saying that it’s just a phase and I will eventually succeed.

My name is Maaz and I am a failure. That’s true you got it right. I have failed. I failed my parents and I have failed my friends and I basically failed anyone I have ever met.

Now, you may think that I’m joking. I’m belittling my existence like the majority of the youth of my generation or worse; I am inflating my problems to a mammoth extent because I am an attention seeker. But none of the above is true.

As a young boy in school I probably treated my responsibilities very casually. What can be a student’s responsibility? They need to study, of course. But with all the distractions in life, this was the last thing I actually did.

The school “taught” with many mediums; stirring away from the typical classroom teaching. In grade two, I remember being the star of the annual theatre production, The Sound of Music. I was overwhelmed and I enjoyed every moment of it. The auditions and then the rehearsals and the costumes. I learnt so much. I was the star of the show and I lapped up all the fame and attention that I got. My parents were so proud of me. They were beaming throughout. I loved the sparkle and joy on my mother’s face. I spoke my lines directly to her because her smile gave me so much confidence.

Regular assessments and testing in my school started in grade four. So, up till that grade I was a “smart” kid. I passed all the evaluations. I was well-mannered and I was active in extra-curricular. My art stood out. So did all my other creative work. I enjoyed it all so much.

But everything came crashing down as testing started in grade four.

“He’s what we call a reluctant student. He performs well in classwork but when it comes to testing, he just isn’t able to keep up,” my Principal spoke in a monotone.

And so began my journey of failure. From being a star student and the apple of my parents’ eye I became a letdown. I eventually turned into a back bencher too, a class clown, the misfit, and the one no one wanted to be with and yes, the student whose parents were often called in for special meetings because of my rowdy behaviour in and out of class. Bunking became more of a religious revolt rather than a law break. It felt good to defy the law makers and also taunt the goody two shoes in the class.

And this behaviour continued. My parents didn’t give up on me. No way. I was sent to almost all the tuition centres and teachers that the city had to offer. I knew them by name, their location, their idiosyncrasies, and their teaching style and also down to the way they lost their cool when I pushed their buttons. I was an expert on tuition psychology. All of them had one commonality in the end. I still failed their subject.

In the beginning, it wasn’t that I wanted to fail. I honestly didn’t. But I wasn’t very good at sitting down in one place and writing for too long. I was a sports man and an artist and an actor. I wanted to get up and do things. I wasn’t the kind of kid who studied all day long just for an exam. I would play with my friends outdoors. I wanted to read about the worlds of art. Mathematics and Geography and all the other subjects just didn’t do anything for me.

I was good at Literature. I enjoyed that class. The teacher didn’t give up on me and she enjoyed my creative streak. That’s possibly the only subject where I scored a great grade. But it still wasn’t enough for the rest.

There wasn’t any explanation good enough. When I tried I was told that at the end I would be judged on my exams and my scores. My scores defined me and my future.

And then I began to try. I improved. I brought home a C but it wasn’t an A and if it was a B it would have been better for me. But a C didn’t quite cut it. I argued that a C was better than a D and definitely better than an F, but no one saw it like that. I was still playing my games and I was still doing badly. I must not be studying hard enough and I still didn’t take my studies seriously. I was still a failure.

The fact that I was awarded best artist in class or that I won the best athlete award from the entire school didn’t matter much because that year I didn’t receive enough marks to be promoted and I was given another chance after my parents signed an undertaking. I would have to achieve all B grades otherwise I would be demoted.

That’s when I picked up the pace and I did manage to get some Bs and mostly Cs. My teachers didn’t let me go back a grade and kept pushing for my case.

O’Levels happened and I scored reasonably good grades. I wasn’t the star of the family. My cousins got all A stars and A’s whereas I managed Cs and Ds. I was relieved but I could see the disappointment in my parents’ eyes. At least there were no U’s I comforted them only to be told that I didn’t care and I could keep my mouth shut on the issue from now on.

There were no scholarships for me at A’Levels and I wasn’t head hunted by anyone in particular. I was applauded for my sports background but with the grades I secured no one was ready to offer me a scholarship. So, I landed in an average college and my parents paid an exorbitant seven figure quarterly installment for my educational journey all the while praying that I wouldn’t fail.

For anyone who’s done A’Levels would know that it is not for the faint hearted. I continued my studies in the same fashion. The way I saw it was that even if I showed a shade of improvement no one would really notice and there was really no point in putting in the effort. I enjoyed my art and my games and I would pass the exams. I would get by and that’s all that mattered.

But you already know what happened. I failed. I was awarded three straight U’s.

I won’t bore you with my parents’ reaction. You already know what ensued.

I gave the exams again in the next session and managed to fail again.

That’s when my parents decided to pull me out of college and I would complete my A’Levels privately. So, while my cousins were sitting for their SAT and applying to universities abroad I was going to the countless number of tuitions at all odd hours of the day and night struggling to complete my A’Levels. My extracurricular activities became a bare minimum and till I didn’t clear my exams I would never go back to that carefree life ever again.

Fast forward to the now. I’m online and I’ve entered my user name and ID but I don’t have the courage to click on the screen to takeout my result on the British Council website.

This result will mark the end or the beginning to the rest of my life. The pressure is too much. I pick up my phone and my wallet and I go downstairs and step out into the street and begin walking away from my house as fast as I can. I’ll never come back.

I think today, everyone failed.